Is There a Blessing for Social Networking?

We Jews pray for a lot of things.  We bless when we buy something new.  We bless the food we eat.  We even have a prayer for going to the bathroom.  No, that's not a joke.  There is a blessing for going to the bathroom.

But it occurred to me today that there are an awful lot of spiritual and community leaders on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and all of the other social media venues which got me thinking, is there a blessing one should say before posting?

There is a beautiful prayer recited before one studies Torah, and it goes, "Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Ruler of the World, who has sanctified us with your commandments and commanded us to engage in the words of Torah."  And I love that prayer because it talks about engaging with the words rather than just learning them or listening to them.  For me, social networking is also about engagement with one another, and for that reason, I believe it has the potential to be holy.

So here is what I'm offering:

Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Ruler of the World, who inspires us to engage with the community, to celebrate our joys and mourn our pains, and to honor your presence in the world by elevating our compassion, our speech, and our connection with the members of our social networking community.

It's not perfect, but it's a place to begin.  And I have to wonder, if we pause to acknowledge where God falls in our posting before we update our statuses, will it change or influence what we have to say?

What's Next?

I admit it, I'm a crazed "West Wing" fan (the tv series, not the part of the building).  My husband has recently discovered the series on Netflix, and he is amused and sometimes freaked out by how well I know the show, often quoting lines as the actors are saying them, for a show that I haven't watched since it went out of syndication.  I have a friend who calls me "Flamingo" - a secret service name given to one of the characters, and I call him either "Princeton" or "POTUS" to get a laugh in return (also secret service names of characters).  I think I've made the point, I like the show.

There is an amazing question embedded in so many episodes of the show, and that's why I'm featuring it today.  That question is, "What's Next?"  On the show, it is most often asked by the President of the United States or the White House Chief of Staff, and it comes right after the thrill of victory AND right after the agony of defeat.

The messaging is clear - celebration is good.  Get back to work.  Mourning is fine.  Get back to work.

Our work is never done whether we are raising money, loving our family, or working on ourselves.  With our careers, with our lives, with our joys, and with our sorrows.  It IS important to live in the now and to experience each moment as it comes.  But whether we are succeeding wildly or failing miserably, there is a point where we look to the future and ask, "What's Next?"

How'm I Doin'?

This morning I saw on the news that Ed Koch, former Mayor of New York, died.  Now I don't know much about his politics, what he accomplished (or didn't), or whether he was an effective Mayor.  What I can tell you is that I always loved Ed Koch, even though he was famous for his acid tongue and his sharp wit, but also for his generally affable personality.

So today's question is an homage to his traditional greeting when he spoke to crowds, when New Yorkers yelled at him on the streets, basically anywhere he went, he opened with his trademark, "How'm I Doin'?"

I love this question, and I see a larger value to it than merely a way for Mayor Koch to open conversation.

First, it suggests an investment in wanting to do well.  If I'm asking for feedback before it is offered, I reflect to my supervisor, my colleagues, my friends that I want to be all that I can be.  Can you imagine what our personal relationships would be like if we asked, "how am I doing as your friend?", "how am I doing as your spouse/partner?", "how am I doing as your child?"

Second, in a work setting, it pushes supervisors to provide ongoing feedback rather than just once a year evaluation (if they even do that) - a practice that is hopelessly ineffective and yields very little to actually improving job performance.  But most supervisors are uncomfortable with evaluation and won't provide ongoing feedback unless it is asked for, even with positive reviews.

Third, it's a great question to simply ask oneself.  In "Standing in the Fire: Leading High Heat Meetings With Clarity, Calm and Courage," author Larry Dressler recommends that when faced with situations packed with emotion and anger, one of the best things a facilitator can do is check in with him/herself and see how s/he is doing before managing the situation.

So thank you, Mayor Koch, for giving all of us this valuable question and some great memories.  For the record, you were doing great.

What Do You Do When Perfect Isn't an Option?

Well, my daily blogging aspiration for 2013 was a lofty goal.  Here are some things I didn't take into account:  The Stomach Flu.  Family Vacation.  Really Important Work Projects.  Family Obligations.  Messy House.  To simply name a few.

But the goal wasn't to write a blog, it was to write a daily blog so that I could have something extraordinary to report at the end of the year.  So, I was faced with a question, "What do you do when perfect isn't an option?"

I'm not sure that anyone would actually notice if I had let the blog fade out.  I'm not sure that anyone would care if I wrote a post and picked up where I left off.  But I felt strongly that I had to acknowledge my absence, my failure to achieve the perfection I had aspired to when I started the blog, but also, my decision to acknowledge what is now imperfect but still worthwhile.

It happens, right?  There is nothing wrong with striving for perfection and achieving great.  I'm not certain that I'm achieving great, but I'm thrilled to be trying.  And I won't know until the end of the project what I've really achieved.  And maybe it will be great, and if it is, that will be just perfect.

Can I See Myself As Others See Me?

We've all been in that space where we are approaching a big project, trying a new activity, or doing something about which we feel really uncertain. Whatever the situation, it can be even more unnerving when the outcomes feel like they have very high stakes and failure is not an option.

It's hard to tackle the self doubt that creeps into one's mind, even at times when we are certain of our abilities to perform.

In these moments, I like to pause and ask myself, "Can I try to see myself as others see me?"

I know I have the respect of many peers, colleagues, students, and friends. If we were to ask any of these folks, "do you think I can handle this?", the answer would most certainly be a resounding yes. So in those "scary" moments, I'm finding it useful to see myself through these fresh sets of eyes and reflecting on how that changes my own lenses.

Give it a try!

Why Is This So Difficult?

Today I had a difficult experience. So difficult, in fact, that when I thought of the question I nearly dismissed it.

Here's what happened. I'm heading to New York tonight and I arrived at the airport raring to go. Except for one thing. I have a pretty severe set of injuries in my back in which standing in one place for a long time (security lines anyone?) and walking long distances (farthest terminal anyone?) are really painful. So I'm faced with a choice. Endure the pain or accept a wheelchair.

I chose the wheelchair.

And the entire ride I kept explaining to everyone I encountered that I have this set of back injuries, I'm not lazy. As if they cared.

I kept thinking to myself, "why is this so humiliating?" But then I realized, that is not the question. The question is, Why is this so difficult? Or more to the point, why am I making this more difficult internally than it is externally? Once I asked myself this question, I let it all go and started noticing how kind people were being and how nobody cared why I needed extra time to board. They just offered it up with kindness. (Quick plug for Virgin America)

So I'm going to try to keep this in mind at my next bout of humiliation. If I can open my heart to the kindness, maybe it won't be so difficult. And maybe I will get an extra bag of peanuts.

What's the Difference Between?

A favorite joke of my father's is "What's the difference between a saloon and an elephant's gas emission? One's a BARroom and one's a barROOM!"

Ok, the joke is a little cheesy, I admit.

But I love the question "what's the difference between" because it asks us to carefully consider our options. What sets an idea apart? It is more than just casually considering two choices, the question asks us to not only consider pros and cons but the substantive qualitative differences.

There is a theory of identity development which posits that one of the ways we develop our own identities is by defining ourselves and defining the other. There are of course other ways we develop our own identities, but one is by identifying what makes us different.

By identifying what make choices different, we can embolden and advocate for the ones for which we opt. Sometimes that makes all the difference.

What Stories Are You Following Today?

I read this online today from a prominent news organization, and I was immediately drawn to the question.  I couldn't stop thinking about it all day because the question wasn't what events are you following today, or even what's happening that interests you today... the question was "What stories are you following today?"

This question is powerful because it speaks strongly to what captivates us, and that is good storytelling.  A well crafted story can inspire us, call us to action, make us feel things that we didn't know were there in our hearts.

Good stories follow single protagonists from an inciting incident, past barriers that he or she overcomes (or doesn't) to the climactic moment of triumph or defeat.  And when we find stories that move us, we never forget them.  The power of storytelling has been discovered by fundraisers, salespeople, politicians... a real estate agent once said to me, "every home has its own story."

I learned from a well known speaker many years ago that we would do well to recall that in the book Peter Pan, the lost boys explain to Wendy that they never grew up because they didn't know any stories.  So for today, I'm going to to think about this one thing, "What stories am I following today?"  How about you?

Where Do You Find Inspiration?

As I committed to a daily blog for one year, I have been looking for inspiration in random places.  When I watch movies, I'm listening carefully to questions that the characters ask each other.  Today, I asked my trainer if he's heard any great questions lately.  On my way home I realized that I had asked him the wrong question, an ideal lesson for this year's quest.  If I'm truly to find new questions, I have to look for new venues of inspiration.

So today's blog is short and sweet and I ask, "Where do you find inspiration?"  If you show me yours, I'll show you mine!

What Do You Do Better Than Everyone Else?

When teaching a class on leadership to a group of graduate students, I posed this question, what do you do better than everyone else?  They hated it, so I followed up by asking it on their final exam.  Despite the fact that a significant portion of their grade would be based on the final, some of the students simply used the opportunity to complain about the question, or in two cases, to flat out refuse to answer it.

It's not that their protestations were without merit.  Their central argument was that it was impossible to answer the question, simply because they were not acquainted with everyone else on the globe, and therefore, couldn't make such a bold supposition that their unique talent was, in fact, unique.

But I feel differently - we all have things we bring to the table and though we may share traits and talents, we manifest them in different ways.  And if we want to leverage our key strength - the thing that we do better than everyone else - we have to be boldly willing to name it.  I like the phrasing of the question precisely because it requires chutzpah - a lot of it - to declare with certainty that one of our talents is truly exceptional, that is to say, that we possess skill that is the exception and not the rule.

I have asked this question of people I have coached and organizations with which I have consulted.  I have asked it to candidates for jobs, and have even inserted into interviews where I was the candidate.  And each time I have found that the process of identifying that one item has not only been of value, but has helped my clients be clearer about what makes them special with themselves and those with whom they interact.

Can we say without reservation that the item we pick is truly done better by us than everyone else.  Maybe not.  But the act of saying it is a powerful act in itself.  Do you know your answer?  I know mine.

Why Be Good When Great is an Option?

Now that I'm on a quest for questions, I'm shocked that I'm starting to see good ones everywhere.  Almost like when you're buying a red Toyota Prius and all of a sudden, all you see on the road are red Toyota Prius'.

On my way to the gym yesterday, I drove past a building that had a huge banner that read, "Why be good when great is an option?"

I was so taken by the question that I now realize that I have no idea what business the banner was promoting.  It's an inspiring question, but it misses something important - the difference between good and great isn't as simple as looking at a list and thinking, well, I was going to choose good, but since great is an option, I'll go with that!

The difference between good and great is work.  It doesn't happen by magic.
I like great.  In fact, I love great.  And when great is important, great is worth the work.  Great is inspiring.  Great is motivating.  Great is, well, great.

But I'm also willing to stand up and speak on behalf of good.  Good is, well, good.  And those who will tell you that they strive for great every minute, every time, in every situation may have forgotten how good that good can be.  And for those of us who are managing multiple responsibilities and attentions (and isn't that really ALL of us?), need to use judgement as to when great is worth it and when good is good enough.

So I propose a modification to the question... When good and great are options, which one is the best use of my time and talents for this particular goal?  I'm confident that if I give it some thought in each unique situation, that indeed would be great.

What's the Issue?

When I was in college, I had a friend who had a tendency toward the histrionic.  It took very little to set her off and the drama was my earliest experience with reality TV in real life.  Something would get her going and off she went into a rant like nothing I had seen before, save for the childhood playground.  Once during an episode, while some us were trying to respond to the barrage of rapid fire complaints in the tantrum, a mutual friend of ours looked at her calmly and simply said, "What's the issue?"

It stopped her in her tracks as she paused to consider this deeply insightful question.  And I never forgot it because my friend managed to boil the entire rant down to a central question.

I've thought about that question so many times over the years whenever I've been in a position of having to respond to someone who is upset.  It's not the seat at the back table that the attendee is upset about, it's the perception that he or she isn't as important or valued as those in the front.  It's not the rejection from the leadership program that the applicant is suffering, it's the perceived commentary on his or leadership potential and ability.  It's not the getting picked last for the team that stings, it's the perception of one's popularity or ability to contribute to the goal that hurts.

What's the issue? does more for creating solutions and building ideas than "I'm sorry you're upset" ever could.  I can't wait to use it.

Why Didn't I Start Yesterday?

For many years around December 29th, I have thought, "wouldn't it be cool to do one thing every day in the coming year?"  Whether it was taking pictures, writing a blog, scrapbooking photos... nothing fit precisely and I usually ran out of time to come up with a brilliant idea that I could look at on December 31st as the "something cool I did for a year."  There I was on January 1st and as the hours wound down to the second day of the year and I came up with nothing innovative, I thought, ok, maybe next year.

And then today it hit me, in my quest for answers, I never came up with the right questions.  So this year, I'm going to give questions a try.  Asking good questions is so much more art than science, and it is undervalued.  We gravitate to the people and the articles and the blogs that give us the answers we want but we forget the element that brought the authors all that wisdom, and that was the asking of the powerful and insightful first questions.

We think good conversation, good presentation, good inspiration, good talking is about what we have to say, but as a friend and mentor once told me: just ask the right question, the rest will come.

So today's question is the most obvious for a quest that begins on January 2nd.

Why didn't I start yesterday?  

Why did I eat that last piece of cake?  Why haven't I been going to the gym?  Why didn't I start the presentation/project/article/paper/homework before now?  Why didn't I clean the house?  Why didn't I see that film while it was still out?

And so my first question is really, is the answer to that question really so important, or is it a path to self doubt, self judgement and self sabotage.  I don't know why I didn't start yesterday, so I'm going to relax.  I'm really excited to be starting today.